Why Are Mums Absent in Family Photos?

Nearly ten years ago, an open letter went viral on the internet. It was written by a mother pleading with Dads everywhere to start taking more photos of their partner and kids together.  Mothers re-shared the letter en masse, claiming it had hit a nerve and reflecting on how they too had very few photos of them with their children.

Almost a decade on, I posed the question on my instagram stories at the end of 2024; “Mums... did you have any photos taken with your children over Christmas?”.

A sad 100% of the Mums who responded said they had no decent photos of them with their children from the Christmas holidays, just the odd wobbly and reluctant selfie! 

“There are hardly any photos of me with my kids” is a statement I hear time and again from Mums; from my clients, my friends, my google reviews or via social media.

So many Mums tell me that they simply “don’t exist” in their family photos. 

For me, one of the best parts of my job is that moment when I watch a Mum’s reaction to seeing her family portraits for the first time. She’s just so thrilled (and dare I say relieved!) to have a beautiful collection of photos of her with the little people she made. It’s such an honour to help her to take her rightful place at the heart of her family’s photographic records.

Over time, I’ve come to understand that there are many reasons why Mums are underrepresented in family photos, not all of which can be blamed on Dads...

Mums are self-appointed Memory Keepers

In most families I see, Mum is the one taking ownership over the photography: taking the photos; finding the moments to record the memories; sorting out the digital albums; curating holiday photos; ordering school pictures; and gifting family photos to grandparents.

If there is any organisation of photos within a family, it always seems to be Mum doing it. And yet, she is probably not in very many of them herself.

Another observation I’ve made in my 15 years as a photographer, is that it’s most often women who take the lead on having professional family portraits taken. Mum is almost always the one who makes the first contact with me, organises the portrait session and decides how the images will be printed and displayed or shared afterwards.

In fact, it can sometimes feel like a challenge to get Dads on board at all with having professional family photographs taken! But I always find that, despite that initial resistance, they do actually enjoy the process and the results.

Confidence in front of the camera

You don’t need me to get on my soapbox about body image to know that for a lot of women, feeling confident in front of a camera is a big issue.

That means that while they can begrudgingly have their photos taken in a contrived situation – like a wedding or family portrait session where they’ve pre-planned to “look their best” – having spontaneous photos taken can be unnerving.

My advice would be – take the photo regardless. Mum can choose not to look at it or delete it later. But she can’t get the moment back. There’s no magic time machine allowing you to go back and capture the moment retrospectively.

Mums... as a side note to this point, if you’re raising daughters like I am, consider how your reluctance in front of the camera impacts them. It’s a tough one to lead by example and show them how to show up with confidence when we feel anything but! What I will say is, to quote Mark Darcy, your daughter loves you “just as you are”. She doesn’t care about your stretch marks or those extra pounds you feel you put on over Christmas, she loves you for you and when she’s older she’ll treasure every childhood picture she has with her Mum.

If you find it helpful, don’t think of it as taking the picture for you. Think of it as taking the picture for your child.

Confidence behind the camera

As the Memory Keeper, Mums get lots of practice at being behind the camera. For Dads that’s often not the case, so confidence behind the camera can be another barrier.  

As a family photographer I’ve spotted this issue amongst my friends and within my own family. So I’ve come up with my own solution: a comprehensive 32 page mini-course to help Dads Snap Like a Hero!

This fun pdf will give short, snappy (if you’ll excuse the pun!) advice and training for Dads to help them take better pictures of Mum in every day life. It’ll make it crystal clear why it’s so important to capture memories of Mum for the family album, so you don’t have to.

No more eye-rolling when you ask for a quick picture with the kids; this mini-course will leave the man in your life in no doubt how to get in your good books in 2025!

A steal at just £19, I’ll be launching this mini-course just in time for you to bag a not-so-subtle Valentine’s Day gift!

Sign up to my email list and follow me on instagram to be the first to hear when the course drops!

The pressures of social media

Another issue I think contributes to the plight of the “invisible Mum” is social media. We’re all so attuned now to seeing perfectly polished and filtered shots of family life on our social media feeds, it’s easy to forget these aren’t a true reflection of reality.

You rarely see a tired Mum wading through a mile high pile of ironing on Instagram!

How you choose to share your photos is entirely within your control. And Mums, if you look at them and can’t see past the dark circles under your eyes or the spaghetti sauce on your top, then don’t share the picture. But for goodness sake, take it! I guarantee future you will see those details and even if you do you won’t care. What you’ll see is a precious moment between you and your child when they were little.

A distraction from the moment

Now I totally get this one and have heard many a parent say it. In these digital times, it can feel overbearing to be constantly recording the moments on our smartphones.

It doesn’t feel like we’re pausing to take a snapshot in time like our parents did. Instead, there is endless clicking away, resulting in thousands of photos, many of the exact same moment, which will sit forever on a cloud never to be looked at again.

For the person taking those photos, their concentration is diverted to their phone, where they immediately look at the image on a screen and reflect on that, rather than soaking up what’s in front of them.

My mini-course does a deep dive into this exact topic, with helpful tips for the family photographer on how to remain present whilst capturing those fleeting, candid moments.

As an aside this is one of the reasons I’m a film photographer. It offers a much slower pace and reminds us all about the benefits of delayed gratification that comes from having to wait for the film to be processed. It generally allows us to focus more on the memory itself and not the tool that’s capturing it.

Reluctant Dads

I thought perhaps my own experience of this was because I’m a photographer, so I naturally take the lead on family photos. But speaking to Mum friends and clients leads me to believe that this is, in fact, a universal Dad problem!

Mums always seem to be the first to grab the camera when Dad is doing something cute with the kids. But Dads don’t appear to have that same instinct to record Mum’s special moments.

Mums tell me that Dad “has a tendency to roll his eyes” if they ask him to take a picture of them. And often when they do take one, part of Mum’s head is missing or she’s blinking!

So to all the Dads – take the mini-course and then please, take the photos!

And if you’re looking to treat a Mum who matters to you, then how about a family photography session that will put her where she deserves to be; at the heart of her family portraits?

Mother’s Day is 30th March this year, just sayin’!

Further reading:
If you’re a photography geek like me and this topic has piqued your interest, have a read of this article in The New Yorker on The Hidden Mothers of Family Photos. It’s frustrating and reassuring in equal measure to learn that a mother’s place in family photos is not a new problem, but here’s hoping we won’t be having the same conversation in 20 years time!